Where the hell was this lymphoma in dogs article 5 months ago?!

4am, woke up, couldn’t sleep, thinking about my girl… Google “how do dogs get lymphoma?”

So, where the hell was this lymphoma in dogs article 5 months ago?!

Specifically, the ability to get treatment from our local vet once a course of action was determined, would have greatly influenced my decision to pursue it. We avoided chemo for a few reasons, but primarily because we didn’t want to put her through the travel to and from the north Dallas cancer center and leave her with them every week.

Sophie already had stage 5b lymphoma when they finally diagnosed her, affecting her lungs with the most impact. Though she had weak legs, she stood the whole trip traveling anywhere, which then caused days of pain following it. We had to limit her activity, in spite of herself, for a few years.

Trying to overcome the denial and accept what people were telling us, we accepted that yes, we could spend 6-10 thousand dollars and extend her life a bit (at unknown quality), but chemo would never cure it.

I am not sure how we could have gotten around the conflict between prednisone and chemo, since the prednisone was the only thing that seemed to allow her to breath comfortably. But seeing this new info, I struggle with not pursuing chemo.

I don’t think I realized just how painful her loss would be and though I expected great difficulty, this ongoing pain almost three months later, makes me continue to question everything.

It is very difficult to agonize over the chosen path and ending her life, without her discomfort right in front of me. Relying on painful memories alone, I try to remember her perceived pleading eyes to make it stop.

In the end, I likely have to accept that I wouldn’t feel any better about it than I do now.

sophie chillin
from 7/26/16
sophie chillin

Very difficult to visit this site

When I do get the courage to open this site, my heart swells with anxiety, longing, missing…

So Facebook continues to remind me about you, Sophie -not that I need reminding.

Apparently one of my favorite photos of you was taken one year ago on a nice late afternoon chilling in the living room. I see it is the same photo used for the blog icon above. The Facebook post is simply titled “Miss Sophie”, and I certainly still do, miss Sophie.

I dreamt about Jackie last night. She was the co-worker who passed away this past year. She had the little dog, Angel. Sweetest lady you’d ever want to meet. In my dream, as I realized she was gone, I asked her to take care of you. I guess I should ask you to help take care of them as well.

Miss Sophie
Miss Sophie