The grief still rises

it happens when we let our guard down. When we are briefly happy. We feel the moment of happiness and naturally look to you to share it with you, enjoy it more with you. “Come on Soph’, share this happy thing that just occurred, this warm thought, this good feeling. Let’s enjoy life together for a moment.”… ¬†And then the happiness vanishes as we realize you are not there. Not anymore.

It happened tonight. I was watching tv and had a thought. Popcorn sounds good, yeah I’m gonna make popcorn. It’s not too late, that sounds good. I get up, unusually energized. “Come on baby, let’s make some popcorn!”, I would have said if I didn’t catch myself mid-thought and immediately shut down.

Then the battle to hold back the feelings. Lest we show emotion for such an old wound. Surely it has healed by now.