This one caught my eye tonight

You sure did love a comfy chair… I don’t blame you. Big girl like you with bad front ankles and sore hips. I didn’t mind. I loved your personality. How you imposed your attitude, your will on others. I’d see you sit wherever you liked, even if it was someone else’s spot, and I’d beam like a proud parent. You go girl, gitcha some o that chair!

Love you Sophie!

Sophie Golden Doodle in recliner heaven
Sophie Golden Doodle in recliner heaven 1/9/16
img_0354
Sophie Golden Doodle in recliner heaven 1/30/16
Sophie Golden Doodle in recliner heaven
Sophie Golden Doodle in recliner heaven 1/31/16

OMG I miss your gaze

those eyes - always looking
those eyes – always looking

I soooo miss your loving and usually inquisitive gaze. We seemed to always keep an eye on each other. Every time I looked at you I could tell you cared about me, you were concerned with what I was doing – or about to do- and just generally wanted to know where I was. I have to know that you saw the same in my eyes looking at you. I loved you so much and just wanted to know where you were at all times, and that you were safe. I still look for you constantly and cannot accept that you aren’t here, aren’t safe, aren’t by my side protecting me too. The pain is duller now. I am able to bury it deeper, but it continues to bubble up occasionally and I don’t see that it will ever stop. Even when I don’t stare at the many thousands of images I have of you, I see you in my mind, clearly, crip, with detail and texture, lighting, color, scent, touch, tactile, so real. I hear you. Your sounds. Your breath. Your snort, snores and excited barks. The jingle of tags on your collar, them hitting your water bowl as you slurp and swallow. That shake- oh that shake. It was your call to action, and something was about to happen. But even then, those eyes. Talking to me just by looking. Want to go outside? Want to eat? Want to play? Or just need a hug? I need a hug. I need a hug, bad. Sophie gave the best hugs. I loved my Sophie hugs.

those eyes - always looking
those eyes – always looking
those eyes - always looking
those eyes – always looking
those eyes - always looking
those eyes – always looking
those eyes - always looking
those eyes – always looking
those eyes - always looking
those eyes – always looking
those eyes - always looking
those eyes – always looking

Facebook is full of reminders – New bag of food day!

5 years ago…

“Big day in Sophie’s world! Time to open a fresh bag O dogfood! Mmmm the aroma is intoxicating – don’t need “sprinkles” today! No sir”

Yup, another vivid memory- new food bag day was a big day indeed… Just threw out the container yesterday after rebagging the food and giving it with all her treats to friend, Tracey, for foster dog needs.

New bag of food day
New bag of food day

FB reminded me today…

Sophie after groomer
Sophie after groomer

Facebook said this pic was taken a year ago, apparently right after the groomers. It was always hard leaving Sophie anywhere and one of the few times I had no choice, was the groomers. I tried to eyeball the employees, watch their behavior with other dogs and look at online reviews and check with friends, but I was still always leery. They just don’t know her like I do. As I did eventually allow them to take her, I spewed reminders as gently yet firmly as I could. She has two bad front feet, especially the right one- they turn out, and are weak. She has bad hips too so don’t let her jump up or down. Her skin is sensitive so please use the medicated shampoo and watch her ears- she gets ear infections easy – put some cotton in them before her bath. She was, I suppose like all dogs, extremely happy when I  picked her up. Ready to run to the car right out of the gate. But when she got home she was very subdued, almost like she held it against me, and you see a bit of that look in her eyes here. I did tell them she’s not prissy so no more ribbons in her ears and stick with  the bandana for this Tom girl!


Just can’t seem to finish our last project

Paint Doors project
Paint Doors project

Miss Sophie would always keep me company on my many projects wherever they happened to take place. The house, the garage, the backyard, the front yard. Not a bother, didn’t get into anything -usually- just sat quietly, she just wanted to be around. If the project spanned several areas, she would of course follow, and I of course waited for her. Held a door as needed, fixed a spot for her to sit. It was just a given. She was going to be there. If I didn’t let her know I was starting up something and maybe let her nap, she was invariably offended that I started without her. I’d come back in, an she was waiting, noticably peeved and immediately joined the venture. I regularly had to tell her as I went out the front door, “no, I’m not going outside for anything, I just have to run to the store- I’ll be right back”.

As her illness worsened, and Texas summer heated up, I found she couldn’t be outside for long, and not wanting to leave her alone, I focused on indoor projects like painting these doors, where she could be near, and watch.

And I enjoyed the audience, the eyes always watching me- head rarely moving- just her eyes tracking, keeping me in view. I felt I was doing the projects with her, often for her. But this one was our last, and she passed away before I was able to finish it. I just can’t seem to get on it again. My heart’s just not in it anymore baby girl. Maybe this weekend…

Here are those eyes tracking me, keeping me close:
Sophie watching me paint

the rituals, I miss the most

9 years…

11:56 pm, it’s past bedtime now.
I don’t have my reminder anymore. She used to lay at my feet while I worked nights on the computer, and she came to know the Windows shut down music. fast asleep, she would hear the doodleoo of the Window’s shutting down and would immediately stir half asleep to her feet, and give a shake, start heading for bed. Waiting on me, looking back at me. Always those eyes, looking at me. How do you get over that? A quick trip outside to go potty – and it was quick – she knew her bedtime bone was waiting on the other end of this ritual. Squat in the yard and run back inside. She liked to eat.

Bring her to the bedroom, and unsnap her collar – slept nekkid- Had to get that collar out of the way to brush that thick long curly blonde hair. She is busy cleaning herself after the bone and potty, so I move on to brushing teeth. While I do, I inevitably pet her with my foot or free hand – I couldn’t get enough of it. Addicting. Once she is ready and I am done, comes the thorough brushing. I began it after she was several months old and we went to a pet store. she was maybe half her adult size and long haired already, and I had no idea what to do with her tangles. We met another Golden Doodle and I asked how they kept his hair so groomed and soft. they just said, “you gotta brush them every night”. So I did. I bought a brush with standard bristles on one side and metal tangle-free spines on the other. though in her younger days, she would try to eat the brush, she eventually began to accept the drill and would just let me brush her as needed. It really was that simple and it worked. She was gorgeous and worth it. But, yes another ritual. I miss it incredibly now. with her diagnosis, I guess I was fortunate to have a few more months of brushing, and I made a point to remember, that some day I would miss this most intimate interaction more than anything. That and her Sophie-hugs. She gave the best Sophie-hugs, and I told her so often.

sophiegoldendoodle 6th birthday
6th birthday

why must I forget her?

Sophie Golden Doodle

9/27/16 4:23 am

Since she has gone, all I want to do is remember her. Her smell, her touch, her sounds. So strong in my memory initially, begin to fade now. I miss her dearly. The memories bring pain. To stop the pain, must I forget her? what was the point then? 9 years. gone. I still faintly plead, wish that she could come back. Did she really have to go? was it really time? why do I doubt. why am I belaboring? reminders everywhere, but they decrease as I suppress the pain. everywhere. but less each day. why did she have to go so soon? I loved her so much I cant sleep. I babble here instead. trying to make sense of it. what was the point? we grew together over 9 years. some struggles, but mostly good. the last few years, I began to dread her inevitable passing. I shut others down when they brought it up – we don’t talk about that. that cant happen. I cant survive that. it did happen though, and I am still here. without her.

sophie
7/15/16
Sophie
7/15/16

Sophie Meals September 2016

one of the last pics of her before I knew she was dying
one of the last pics of her before I knew she was dying

for so long, there was so much to remember and now I am starting to forget… I don’t want to forget, so I am writing it down…

 

 

 

Sophie Golden Doodle, approx. 65 lbs
canned pumpkin (keep stool firm)
dry Purina Pro Plan
wet Purina Pro Plan
DVM Resources SynoviG3 Soft Chews as pill-pockets
1 prednisolone 20mg every 12 hrs
1/4 pill, Plavix 75mg anti-blood-clotter 1x day
1 to 2 to 3 Tramadol 50mg every 8 hours, over the course of 2 months


to 9/11/2016 – final schedule
6am:
morning pee break

2 oz canned pumpkin
2 oz dry Purina Pro Plan
4 oz wet Purina Pro Plan
2 DVM Resources SynoviG3 Soft Chews as pill-pockets
1 prednisolone 20mg
1/4 pill, Plavix 75mg anti-blood-clotter
3 Tramadol 50mg
1/2 large milk bone “chaser”
1/2 dentastick dessert
get fresh water in kitchen bowl

after-breakfast potties, outside for a small walk, drop a deuce or 2, pee again
hang out on patio with me for my breakfast
come in, get a 1/2 milk bone

back outside a few more times, back yard pees
come in, get a 1/2 milk bone or dentastick

2pm:
1 oz canned pumpkin
2 oz wet Purina Pro Plan
1 DVM Resources SynoviG3 Soft Chews as pill-pocket
3 Tramadol 50mg
1/2 large milk bone “chaser”
1/2 dentastick dessert

help me get the mail
late afternoon potties, outside for a small walk, drop a deuce or 2, pee
come in, get a 1/2 milk bone or dentastick

6pm:
2 oz canned pumpkin
2 oz dry Purina Pro Plan
4 oz wet Purina Pro Plan
2 DVM Resources SynoviG3 Soft Chews as pill-pockets
1 prednisolone 20mg
1/2 large milk bone “chaser”
1/2 dentastick dessert
get fresh water in kitchen bowl

after-dinner potties, back yard, maybe small walk, pee, maybe a deuce
come in, get a 1/2 milk bone or dentastick

10pm:
1 oz canned pumpkin
2 oz wet Purina Pro Plan
1 DVM Resources SynoviG3 Soft Chews as pill-pocket
3 Tramadol 50mg
1/2 large milk bone “chaser”

go outside again, back yard, maybe small walk, pee, maybe a deuce
come in, get a bedtime bone
head to bedroom for bedtime
get fresh water in bathroom bowl
off with collar
play with bear
get brushed, top of head, ears, under chin, coat, tail, feet, face (likes the least so saved for last)
belly rubs
sophie-hugs
lights out